And another thing...
My mother drives me nuts. I mean, absolutely batty. When I talk to her, I just want to yell at her. When I hang up, I feel great having got crap off my chest but horrible that she probably thinks it came out of nowhere.
My biggest issue with her is I feel she just doesn't do the right thing.
I've called her on several lies. For instance, she said she was away for a weekend with her cousin but in actuality, she was holed up with her boyfriend in a hotel room. The woman is an adult. She can do what she wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone. So why does she lie? I never even asked her where she was or with whom she was with. She offered the false alibi and then called me periodically through the weekend to tell me of the wonderful time she and her cousin were having doing this or that, going here and there. In fact, she was not. Why concoct this lie? I called her on it a while ago and she said she was sorry but never gave me a reason why she thought to do it in the first place. This specific instance has been what has made me question everything she tells me since then. There was no reason to lie and now it is in the front of my mind whenever I speak with her.
Then there is a matter of money. She was supposed to get an amount of money back that my grandmother had allotted to all her kids and my father. My father told my mother he didn't want it and to divide it up between me and my brother, or whatever. When I confronted her on it, she said he told her to do whatever she wanted with it so she decided to take me and my husband to Vegas with her and her boyfriend. A surprise trip if you will. Does this sound like something I would ever like to do? Seriously, any of you who knows me, can you say this is anything I'd do? I think it was some explanation to excuse her behavior. Then, she says I obviously could use the money more than a trip so she would send it to me. After taxes and all, she sent $1000. Now, this is nothing to scoff at but there were no taxes on it. It was money that was invested at a loss so there were NO TAXES. And, an uncle confirmed that the amount was quite more than this. Like $4800. No fucking taxes.
She told me that she had already budgeted her vacation money for the year and her boyfriend had planned time off and that since she was sending money to me instead of taking me on a trip where we would all get to spend time together, that she did not have the time or money left to make a trip out to directly see me this year. I knew she would change her tune the moment I told her I was pregnant and she would want to fly right out to see the new baby. I was right.
In fact, so right was I that about a month or so ago she called to ask me if I wanted her at the birth. Now, how does one tell her own mother no to something like this without hurting her feelings? I didn't want to beat around the bush and then feel bad about it later. I did not want to string her on. The truth is, I really want this birth to happen with me and my husband present. No one else. My friend will most likely be here to take charge of my two year old but that is it.
I do not feel close to my mother and never have. And it is not just me. She does not feel close to me, either. When I think of my mom, I do not think of someone warm and nurturing. She's not awful, which I am sure that is what she would be reading into this if she ever read this, but we just are not close. It happens. I feel bad about it but how do you get close to someone you feel has been trying push you away for 30 years? This is what I feel my mother has done with her insults (that she does not remember making, mind you). Perhaps not intentionally, but maybe because of her relationship with her own mother. One day I would like to have a great relationship with her but I fear we just can't.
In fact, the relationship between us has scared me of the idea of having a daughter of my own.
I do not hate her. I just want her to act like someone I can call if I need advice or just to talk. I've never felt like I could tell her anything without it being told to all her friends or over analyzed.
My biggest issue with her is I feel she just doesn't do the right thing.
I've called her on several lies. For instance, she said she was away for a weekend with her cousin but in actuality, she was holed up with her boyfriend in a hotel room. The woman is an adult. She can do what she wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone. So why does she lie? I never even asked her where she was or with whom she was with. She offered the false alibi and then called me periodically through the weekend to tell me of the wonderful time she and her cousin were having doing this or that, going here and there. In fact, she was not. Why concoct this lie? I called her on it a while ago and she said she was sorry but never gave me a reason why she thought to do it in the first place. This specific instance has been what has made me question everything she tells me since then. There was no reason to lie and now it is in the front of my mind whenever I speak with her.
Then there is a matter of money. She was supposed to get an amount of money back that my grandmother had allotted to all her kids and my father. My father told my mother he didn't want it and to divide it up between me and my brother, or whatever. When I confronted her on it, she said he told her to do whatever she wanted with it so she decided to take me and my husband to Vegas with her and her boyfriend. A surprise trip if you will. Does this sound like something I would ever like to do? Seriously, any of you who knows me, can you say this is anything I'd do? I think it was some explanation to excuse her behavior. Then, she says I obviously could use the money more than a trip so she would send it to me. After taxes and all, she sent $1000. Now, this is nothing to scoff at but there were no taxes on it. It was money that was invested at a loss so there were NO TAXES. And, an uncle confirmed that the amount was quite more than this. Like $4800. No fucking taxes.
She told me that she had already budgeted her vacation money for the year and her boyfriend had planned time off and that since she was sending money to me instead of taking me on a trip where we would all get to spend time together, that she did not have the time or money left to make a trip out to directly see me this year. I knew she would change her tune the moment I told her I was pregnant and she would want to fly right out to see the new baby. I was right.
In fact, so right was I that about a month or so ago she called to ask me if I wanted her at the birth. Now, how does one tell her own mother no to something like this without hurting her feelings? I didn't want to beat around the bush and then feel bad about it later. I did not want to string her on. The truth is, I really want this birth to happen with me and my husband present. No one else. My friend will most likely be here to take charge of my two year old but that is it.
I do not feel close to my mother and never have. And it is not just me. She does not feel close to me, either. When I think of my mom, I do not think of someone warm and nurturing. She's not awful, which I am sure that is what she would be reading into this if she ever read this, but we just are not close. It happens. I feel bad about it but how do you get close to someone you feel has been trying push you away for 30 years? This is what I feel my mother has done with her insults (that she does not remember making, mind you). Perhaps not intentionally, but maybe because of her relationship with her own mother. One day I would like to have a great relationship with her but I fear we just can't.
In fact, the relationship between us has scared me of the idea of having a daughter of my own.
I do not hate her. I just want her to act like someone I can call if I need advice or just to talk. I've never felt like I could tell her anything without it being told to all her friends or over analyzed.
Labels: frustration, mom
posted by Lucy Lime @ 12:09 PM
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